Road trip! On the highway to Malacca and back

I just came back from a road trip to Malacca over the weekend only to read in the news that the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC) had detained eight Singaporeans who tried to bribe traffic cops over the long weekend.

This is certainly a conundrum for Singapore drivers because almost everyone who drives to Malaysia knows that Malaysian traffic cops expect to be bribed.

If you were speeding beyond the 100km/h (62.5 mph) speed limit on the North-South Highway, and got pulled over, that's one thing. But many drivers tell me traffic cops there pull them over even when they are not speeding, asking for kopi (coffee) money.

And I am told the rates are different for Singaporeans and Malaysians too. My Malaysian friend only pays RM10 (Malaysian ringgit, the equivalent of US$3) to traffic police. Singaporeans usually pay RM50 (US$15) or more.

In Singapore, nobody sane would bribe a local cop. You would be afraid to even think of doing it. But it seems police bribery is a way of life in Malaysia.

My Malaysian friend told me that once, he was sitting some distance from a broken public telephone in Malaysia when a policeman came up to him and promptly accused him of damaging public property. 

On cue, the policeman's partner sauntered over and said something to the effect of "Oh, that is a chargeable offence, you know."

Back and forth the two cops spoke, their dialogue vacillating between a civics lesson and a legal lecture.

My friend, who was not anywhere near that public phone, let the two play out their seasoned script before muttering, "RM10."

"RM10?" one of them sputtered.

"There are two of us, you know," said the other.

"RM10," he said stoically. "That's all I have on me. Take it or leave it."

The Malaysian cops reluctantly accepted his "compound fine" for a crime he did not commit and left him alone after that.

In the light of the MCAC arrests, we are now confused. What is a Singaporean driver to do when pulled over by a Malaysian traffic policeman? How are we going to tell if this chap is expecting to be paid off or belongs to the non-bribery sector of the force?

I suggest some kind of code so we will know. Perhaps those cops wanting a bribe can wear a red rose on their uniforms. Then we will know we can bribe in confidence. The upright cops can don an armband, perhaps, that says "DNB" (Do Not Bribe). 

In fact, corrupt Malaysian traffic cops need to upgrade their technology too. Why just accept cash? Do what the North-South Highway toll gantries do and have a separate lane for the Touch-and-Go cards. These prepaid cash cards allow drivers to pay their toll by just tapping a sensor pad. 

The Bribery Brigade can embed a sensor in their hands, and when they reach out to ask for kopi money, we can just wind down the window, tap our Touch-and-Go, and er, go.

Fortunately for us, the three cars in our convoy never got pulled over by any Malaysian traffic police. Not that we were speeding, of course. One of our friends who drove up to join us on the second day did go out of his way to avoid the Highway police bribery by driving via a smaller trunk road to Malacca.

The rest of our holiday went very smoothly once we got to Malacca. We mostly ate and shopped, skipping tourist traps like the lighted trishaws.

Some of us went for the affordable foot massages and spas (but we skipped the RM15 facial offer we saw at one shop because of its dodgy handwritten sign). 

Food in Malaysia is still authentic (not like many of the cookie-cutter hawker places in Singapore). We had chicken rice balls, chendol (dessert food of the gods), and assam laksa. We were eating every two hours, it seems. We even tried satay celup, where you pick your sticks of fish cake, prawns or veggie, and cook them by sticking your kebabs into a hot pot of satay peanut sauce.

As a side note, the pot of satay sauce you cook your 50-sen sticks in is never changed. They just refill it when the sauce level goes low. You have to trust that other diners before you have not double-dipped. I suppose that is how the sauce gets so tasty because of all the stuff that has been cooked in it all day. I suppose it is also why my friend calls Satay Celup by its other name, "Dysentery on a Stick".

I am pleased to report that it was really tasty and that we all survived without any bowel problems.

Malacca is quickly becoming super touristy. You can tell when their monuments start having swanky signs explaining the history of a building, just like Singapore. Jonker Walk Night Market, located at the main street in Malacca town, is very commercialized and instead of any heritage, you end up buying mostly Made-in-China stuff.

We even drove to Muar, a smaller quainter town south of Malacca, on the way back. I liked Muar more. It looked like Singapore in the 1960s, with the old barber shops and Chinese laundries. There we gorged ourselves silly with Muar Otak, a spicy fish cake that they are famous for.

Our drive home was pretty uneventful. Which is exactly what you want. We had pretty much used up all our Malaysian Ringgit anyway, so any traffic police expecting a farewell kopi fee would have been disappointed.