mrbrown turns Formula 1 driver for a day (in a Mini Cooper)

I realized that I missed Car Free Day on Wednesday. Some folks gave up their cars for that day and rode bicycles to work.

Me? I was driving a Mini Cooper S on the North-South Highway in Malaysia, woohoo-ing all the way.

Before you lash out in righteous indignation, I will have you know that I ride my bicycle almost every freaking day of the work week, so Car Free Day is pretty much every day for me.

So indulge my three days of driving a sports car.

Speaking of which, you can tell F1 is coming to town again. Yes, road closures and traffic jams have returned to Singapore for the next few days as we make way for those celebrity drivers of the Formula 1 world. Pffft.

Speedracer for a day

At least I can say I have driven on one of their race circuits (no, not Marina Bay), but Sepang in Malaysia.

Part of my drive in Malaysia was on the Sepang circuit and man, was that a blast.

You see, I was invited by MINI Singapore to try their MINI Driver Training in Sepang itself.

It is a full day course where you are taught safety driving techniques like how to do an emergency brake with a swerve, the proper way to hold your steering wheel, and fun stuff like doing an "Agent Turn".

Ryan, my cameraman and buddy, was my co-driver. We drove our Mini Cooper S Camden along the NS Highway to get to KL, and for the first time, other drivers gave way to us.

I am used to being the guy in the dinky underpowered car who has to give way to the modified Proton Wiras and BMW M3s tearing down the overtaking lane. This time it was our turn to say "Oi! Make way!".

I don't know if it was just because our car was cute.

Driver in Some Other Car: "Eh, let's give way to the little white car with the mid-life crisis driver. So cute, the car."

Or maybe they were impressed by our pocket rocket.

Driver in Some Other Car: "Whoa, that twin-turbo Cooper with the handsome and competent middle-aged driver is behind us! We are not worthy to be in its way. Let's give way!"

Either way, we were very pleased with ourselves. We even managed to get to KL without encountering a single Malaysian traffic cop looking for a little coffee money.

Remember kids, don't try this at home! Getting the fine details on how to turn like an spy.

Making like Schumi

At Sepang, we were assigned two to a car. Ryan and I took turns to laugh at each other's mistakes.

I learned that the correct way to hold the steering wheel is at the 3 o'clock and 9 o'clock position. That meant unlearning driving habits like turning with just one finger while picking my nose with the other hand.

For another exercise, we were told to pretend a truck with durians (a very pungent prickly Asian fruit loved by us, hated by Westerners) had just disgorged its contents in front of our car and we need to perform an emergency brake.

We were to learn what our braking distance was at various speeds. After slamming on the brakes with every muscle of my right leg, over and over again, I am so glad we were not using our own cars.

We also learned how to deal with understeer when taking a corner. To simulate understeer, we accelerated very quickly onto a wet road and spun the steering wheel all the way, causing the front wheel to lose traction. You see this all the time when moron wannabe boy-racers take a corner too fast and at the wrong angle.

How to turn like an agent

I also attempted an Agent Turn, which is to reverse at high speed, then drop to neutral, then spin the car around 180 degrees, then push to drive, and escape the evil spies chasing us. Ok, there were no spies chasing us, but it was good to pretend. Of course, we were told firmly "Do not try this at home" (like those WWE commercials), and that it was just a fun thing to learn in the safe confines of a training area.

Needless to say, all the emergency braking, quick turns and sudden jerks, took their toll on our poor shoulders, especially around the seatbelt area, further reminding Ryan and myself that we are not young punks anymore.

The finale of the course was a chance to drive on the Sepang circuit. I now have a newfound respect for F1 drivers. Good lord, it was hard work. We were only driving at 100 to 160 km/h (62 to 100mph) but it was our first time taking turns at those speeds.

From Turn 1 to Turn 15, we were kept on our toes (metaphorically, of course, because you are supposed to use the ball of your foot to drive) following the lead car driven by the expert trainer.

By the third time around the Sepang circuit, I already felt the need to puke but decided it would be unprofessional to do so. Would Nico Rosberg hurl inside his face-sock? Of course not! Neither would mrbrown, semi-famous blogger turned part-time race car driver!

And to think these pros drive 50 times around the same circuit, at more than twice the speed. They deserve their multi-million-dollar salaries and the fawning sexy women throwing themselves at their feet!

It was a fine day out at the track. I returned to Singapore in my borrowed Cooper S, a new man. And as a fitting end to my 3-day trip, I returned to the car to the very nice MINI team, and hopped onto the MRT, happy to go home by public transport and giving the F1 road closure jams a miss.

Tomorrow, I am back on my bicycle. Fun as it all was, I think I have done enough driving for a few weeks.