Hollywood, leave the classics alone!

The wife and I grew up watching "Clash of the Titans", the 1981 Ray Harryhousen version. The cheesy stop motion special effects of that time was cutting age, and we were easy-to-please kids then.

Then Hollywood had to go and make a "re-imagineering" of the movie. Re-imagineering usually means we will hack a classic to bits and add a ton of special effects to it so that you won't realise we just violated your childhood memories.

The last time re-imagineering a show was successful, it was Battlestar Galactica, the TV series. Most times, newer versions suck.

That was the case with the new version of "Clash of the Titans".

For those unfamiliar with this movie, "Clash of the Titans" is about Perseus and his adventures. Zeus, the king of the Greek gods, slept with Perseus's mother by taking the form of her husband, a king who led a revolt against the gods in the old days.

Perseus, demigod son of a rapist god, leads a bunch of warriors against the Greek gods who were about to unleash their pet monster, the Kraken, on the kingdom of Argos.

You would think that a movie with such a big special effects budget, and with Jake Sully, Voldemort and Ras Al Ghul in it, would be great. But no, not even the line "Release the Kraken!" could save it. God of War 3, the PS3 game where an angry former Spartan General named Kratos goes around killing all the Greek gods with his Blades of Chaos, had better storytelling.

When will Sam Worthington be human?

Speaking of Sam Worthington, one day, I hope to catch Sam Worthington in a blockbuster movie where he is just a man. The chap was half-man half-cyborg in "Terminator 4", a man who could inhabit the body of an alien in "Avatar", and now he's half-man half-god in "Clash of the Titans" 2010.

The women in the movie were an afterthought too. Io (Gemma Arterton), the sem-goddess cursed with ageless-ness, is a lady who follows the merry band around, giving her two cents and providing the voice-overs. I am surprised that Perseus and his gang did not sing "Io, Io, it's off to work we go!" whenever she was around.

Andromeda, played by the beautiful Alexa Davalos, was the princess who was to be sacrificed to appease the Kraken. She was equally limp. I think by the end of the movie, you didn't care whether she was going to be eaten by the Kraken or not. In fact, you kind of wish it would happen, just for a dramatic twist. Kratos would have chopped her up good, just to get the experience points.

A friend of mine who watched this in 3D told me not to bother. The only thing 3D about the new Clash was the Chinese subtitles floating in space, annoying the heck out of him.

Elsewhere in Movieland

In other movie news, someone claims to have a sex VCD of Singapore film-maker Jack Neo and singer-actress Foyce Le Xuan, and has threatened to release it. 

I don't understand why people would do something like this. Come on, this is 2010 already. Why only VCD quality? At the very least threaten to release a DVD version lah. We already watch movies in HD and 3D, you know.

I think that people who film sexual trysts should start improving their technical standards. I know such VCDs do very well in Petaling Street, KL, but the poor image quality and compression artifacts cheapen the cinematography.

I do not know if this video recording exists for real or not but I doubt if most of us want to watch it even if it were true. Jack is a fine filmmaker but he isn't exactly Perseus. Nobody really wants to see him release his Kraken, if you know what I mean. 

With the weekend ahead of us, I am planning to catch up on my movie and tv series watching with the wife. We are currently very into The Pacific, Glee and Flash Forward. I may even whip out my "Star Wars" box set, because I found out to my horror that the wife has only seen the new "Star Wars" movies so far, the ones with Jar Jar Binks in them. (The horror, the horror! I know, right?)

I am determined to let her watch the originals so that we can whine about why the new ones are not as good. Just like we are doing now with "Clash of the Titans". It is a great way to bond.

Now if only someone can shove Medusa's face at the makers of the "Clash of the Titans" remake, and turn them all to stone for bringing this blight into our culture. I would pay to watch THAT in 3D.