Dreading the school holidays? You're not alone

The school holidays are upon us again. For four weeks in June, kids get to go on vacations, play with friends, and drive their parents batty.

And come mid-November, they get to do it all over again for six weeks.

The school holiday season stresses many Singapore parents out. Shall we take the kids to a holiday? Or is it too expensive in these economic times of cautious optimism?

Perhaps we should look into school elective programs? Say, swimming, or music appreciation, or 11th century European Medieval History for Seven-Year-Olds? But will that take up time meant for our kids to find themselves?

Shall we sign them up for enrichment classes that strive to stimulate their hidden genius gene and turn them into little Einsteins? Or is that pushing them too hard? If the genius-level enrichment classes seem a bit ambitious, maybe aim lower, like Somewhat Clever?

How far would you go to keep your child occupied?

Parents, manage your expectations

I am aiming way lower this coming school holidays. My wife and I have our homework to do. After attending my first parent-teacher meeting for my son, aged six-and-a-half, I plan to use this school holiday to train my son to remember to wash his hands after going to the toilet, to not talk while the teacher is talking, and to be able to hold a conversation with his Chinese teacher in Mandarin.

You can tell the parent-teacher meeting, which took place just a day before the school holidays, did not go well.

It does not bode well when you introduce yourself to your son's form teacher as the boy's father, and she sighs, almost as if she has to figure out where to begin.

In the Great Hall of Wisdom (I made that name up for the sports hall the school used) teachers sat at assigned desks, in neat rows. Row 1 contained all the Primary One teachers; Row 2 for Primary Twos and so forth. Anxious parents would take a day of leave from work to meet the teachers and discuss their kid's progress for the first semester. You had to wait for your turn, sitting on chairs placed in front of each teacher's table, like patients waiting at a clinic to see the doctor.

I felt like a child being lectured by a teacher about my own child's shortcomings. And to cap it off, I was told the Chinese teacher wished to speak to me too.

"Yes, teacher," I almost said.

I walked away from the parent-teacher meeting feeling like I got an 'F' for parenting. And the school holidays were for remedial lessons so that parents like me could to transform our boys to men.

Ok, maybe not men but acceptable blokes in school.

I think many parents are used to going to work, while their kids go to school, and on weekends, the two parties see each other a little more.

But school hols are like a month-long weekend. You find yourself having to plan stuff for the kid to do for four whole weeks.

There's always the zoo for hours of entertainment

The hunt for 'enrichment programs'

This is where all those memberships come in. You know, the ones you signed up for like Friends of the Zoo, Friends of the Bird Park, Friends of Some Random Mall's Overpriced Indoor Playground.

With your Friends of the Zoo membership, your family can keep going to the zoo every single freakin' day of the school holidays for one yearly membership fee!

Spread out the love! Tell junior, today we are going to see the lions only! Tomorrow we will return and see the animals that lions eat. The day after, we'll see the animals that can trample lions to death. Whoopie.

By the end of the school hols, you will not just be a Friend of the Zoo, you'll know the Zoo so well that they will upgrade you to BFF of the Zoo.

I think some parents secretly wish they can enjoy their kids till the kids hit school-going age, then the kids disappear for several years and return only when they are working adults. Think about it, skipping puberty, adolescence and school holidays. I suppose that's what boarding school is for.

Of course, I am looking forward to spending some quality time with my son and his siblings, don't get me wrong.

I'm just not that crazy about having long conversations with him in my less-than-brilliant Mandarin, as per his Chinese teacher's instructions, so that I can make him a useful member of society and to end this shame to the family name, once and for all.

I am ready! Let the school holidays begin!