The worst of the 2010 gaokao essays

We wrote earlier this month about the gaokao -- an intense, three-day Chinese entrance exam -- and its baffling essay questions like “Why chase mice when there are fish to eat? (有鱼吃还捉老鼠?)” which shows a cartoon of one cat chasing a mouse while others eat fish.

The essay portion of the exams has all been scored now, and like any test, some people just don’t get a perfect score. Others choose to offend the scorers so much they get another impressive distinction: total failure, getting a ‘0.’ That takes effort.

A user of the popular site Tianya.cn has gotten their hands on some of the essays that received 0s.

Impressively enough, instead of being dull, poorly written or mind-numbingly bad (although some are) many were funked because of the sensitive nature of what was written. Seems the rules of basic polite dinner conversation apply to the goakao as well: when your future is riding on an essay, best to stay away from sex, drugs, religion and politics, and stick to the five-paragraph essay. These students went the other way.

When my ex-girlfriend becomes a mistress and when I find that my new girlfriend is a concubine of someone else as well, in silence, I still firmly believe that this is merely a coincidence. I inscribed on the miserable wall: Believe in the future!— Failed 2010 gaokao essay

Tianya.cn has a full collection of the essays (Chinese only) but we translated the our two favorites here. (Translations done by Zixi Jin) 

2010 gaokao essay from Jiangxi Province: “I want to find my childhood back”

“I want to find my childhood back, because back then dried milk was used as gifts rather than poison; houses were meant to shelter people not to kill people; trenches were used to drain flooded fields not to collect used old oil from; … the hospital did not try to rob every dime out of people’s pocket but actually treated the patients; education was not regarded as means to power and fortune but something that brings positive changes to life; tall buildings were not used to jump off from but used as places where people can enjoy nice scenery; arts (especially in the entertainment industry) didn’t contain so many under-table rules and was meant to nurture people spiritually; jails were not places for bizarre deaths to occur but places for criminals to purge their sins; … people were not pushed around but were treated with respect.”

2010 gaokao essay from Sichuan Province: “The most beautiful youth”

“I grew up drinking poisonous milk produced by famous Chinese brand, luckily I don’t have kidney stone because of that. I firmly believe this was just an accident. Secretly feeling lucky, I once wrote down: Believe in the future!

"When schooling costs hundreds of thousands of Chinese yuan and when the payment of one year’s hard labor can’t afford a room big enough to place a toilet, I still firmly believe that this is just a temporary hardship. In my shabby abode I wrote down: Believe in the future!

"When my ex-girlfriend becomes a mistress and when I find that my new girlfriend is a concubine of someone else as well, in silence, I still firmly believe that this is merely a coincidence. I inscribed on the miserable wall: Believe in the future! 　　

"When those born with silver spoons drove past me in BMW cars and when doing great in academics is far less valuable than having wealthy parents, my heart trembled but I became irresolute. Disgruntled yet controlled, I wrote down: Believe in the future!

"When the rich are surrounded by pretty girls, and enjoys themselves in upscale clubs and when the cost of their one night’s entertainment equals my one year’s salary, my heart is overwhelmed with indignation. Swallowing the tears I wrote down: Believe in the future!

"When natural disasters come, I find that the poor don’t panic at all. How harmonious the world is at that moment. Only at that moment, nothing is unfair and no one is privileged.”