A Shanghai couple struggle to shake marriage traditions

Earlier this year, Li Xiaoguang and Xu Boling stood on a beach in Thailand and exchanged their wedding vows in English with a Polish minister. Xu wore a white, Western-style wedding dress with a red sash. The couple invited just their families, who met for the first time at their ocean-front ceremony in Phuket. And, unlike traditional weddings, the couple planned everything -- with no input from their parents.

Welcome to the modern Chinese wedding.

I’m the only one of my friends who didn’t have an apartment before marriage. It is difficult to explain to people.— Xu Boling, Chinese bride

Challenging traditions

Li and Xu are part of a growing number of young Chinese who are challenging traditional notions when it comes to a wedding ceremony and everything leading up to it.

“Chinese weddings are all the same -- a big party, an MC, songs and lots of drink, drink drink,” Li says. “We thought that was a little boring.”

The couple says their courtship also dramatically diverged from their parent’s expectations. For one, they rebuked the offering of a pinli, a gift given on behalf of the groom’s family to the bride’s family.

Traditionally, the gift, which can range from a television set to an apartment, confirms the groom’s intentions and his family’s wealth. In turn, the bride’s family will return the gift in the form of money, furniture or a car, a gesture known as a jia zhuang. While outdated in many regions, the custom is still popular in some parts of China -- such as Liaoning, Xu’s home province, and Li’s hometown in Shandong.

“The older generation is learning to accept the new trends and not stick to the same old traditions,” Li says. “We’re giving them a chance to see that change isn’t so frightening.”

Li Xiaoguang and Xu Boling are in love, traditional wedding or not.

But that doesn’t mean the older generation isn’t without some influence. Despite their quest to do it differently, Li and Xu eventually gave in to their parents’ wishes. They followed up their dream beach wedding with Chinese wedding banquets in each of their hometowns as well as one in Shanghai where they both work. 

A Shanghai courtship

Li and Xu met two years ago at a mutual friend’s party held at O’Malley’s Irish Pub. The evening marked the first time Li, then in his late 20s, had ever been in a bar.

As they chatted around the pool table, they realized they were both from China’s northern provinces, which meant they had a lot in common. They both liked similar foods and they loved CCTV’s Chinese New Year program.

“I like Northern guys -- they’re tougher and more masculine,” Xu says. “In Shanghai, it’s hard to find Northern guys.”

They talked all night, exchanged numbers and arranged their next meeting.

Li liked that Xu was gentle and soft-spoken, well educated and could speak English. He was tired of meeting girls who were only interested in whether he had an apartment, a common prerequisite in China for marriage and a way women measure the viability of a man as a partner. Xu liked Li’s intelligence, penchant for travel and the fact that he’s taller than her. 

Balancing old and new

Chinese weddings are all the same -- a big party, an MC, songs and lots of drink, drink drink. We thought that was a little boring.— Li Xiaoguang, Chinese groom

Over the next two years, they went out for dinners, tried horseback riding and traveled throughout China and Europe -- an anomaly for traditional Chinese couples who prioritize saving money for apartments and other major assests over big trips. But, despite the couple’s shared view that they wanted to escape courtship traditions, it was impossible to reject them completely. 

In Shanghai, owning a house is a key part of the marriage process. Many couples delay marriage until they can afford to buy a home. Even though Xu considered herself a modern woman, she couldn’t escape the biggest convention in Shanghai dating. When it came down to it, she wanted an apartment before marriage. 

“I’m the only one of my friends who didn’t have an apartment before marriage,” Xu laments. “It is difficult to explain to people.”

Li, meanwhile, wasn’t convinced they needed to follow that rule. They could eventually buy a house together, he reasoned.

The conflict culminated on a trip to Lijiang in the Yunnan Province. There, Xu insisted that a house had to come first. As the debate escalated, Li looked out at Yunnan’s snowy mountain peaks illuminated by a dazzling full moon. He talked about how their love transcended the society’s traditions, old and new. Then, with tears in his eyes, Li spontaneously proposed.

Caught up in the moment, Xu instantly agreed, apartment or no apartment, ring or no ring, traditions or no traditions.