How not to screw up an IPL party at home

The incessant travelling up and down the country and the never-ending programming schedule for the Indian Premier League is fine. But the constant badgering for tickets, that will give me stomach ulcers. Did I say tickets? I meant "passes", because tickets imply that people wish to pay for them. No sir, not in our country. People obviously think that either my pop or me own the League, the stadiums, the players and the corporate boxes. Well, we don't, not yet. But I take it as a compliment. 

If you havent been able to beg, borrow, buy or steal a ticket or a pass then don't fret. The party isn't over. In fact, it's just begun. The game's shorter now and it's time for test cricket Sunday party rules to be reinvented. 

In the first season of the IPL when I wasn't involved with Set Max television channel, I hosted many a cricket party at home. A good game, good friends, good times. But it wasn't as easy as that. I had some rules in place. Rules for a party? Yes, and it worked. 

These are my fail-proof guidelines for a 20-over cricket party at home.

Man food, fire in the belly

Chips, pretzels, nachos. They have to be salty and they have to be deep fried. In short, it should have come out of a bag to qualify. If you want to impress the ladies then maybe you can do tinned sausages, tossed in Tabasco. But fiery, it has to be fiery. Dips, canapes and carrot sticks are a no-no. It's game night, not date nite. It's a cricket party, not a pajama party. If you still want to do some 'heavy cooking' (strictly for after) then you can microwave the seekh kebab rolls you stragically ordered in advance so that they arrive in the mid innings break. Or you just let the delivery boy go militant on the door bell till the over finishes. I normally order mine from Khane khas or Kareems in Bandra. No one goes near the clay pot/microwave/gas stove before 40 overs have been bowled and the victors graciously allow the losers first dibs on the spoils. If you use the 'one hand usage' rule with the food, then you'll do good. Got to have the other hand free for the drink.

Drinks, beer = cheer

A big cooler, a slab of ice, and pints of beer. If it's an afternoon match then maybe you can pre-make a few jugs of bloody mary. Actually pre make won't work. There's not enough time in the Strategic Time Out to mix it up. So a cooler at arm's length is best. In between overs you reach across, flip open and refuel. If wine and cheese is what you're leaning toward then you might as well switch of the telly and do a book reading.

The company of women

Must invite the ladies. Yes, you heard me. Now before you all cry blasphemy, allow me to explain. In our great country everyone is a cricket expert. We also know that there can only be two or three likely outcomes for any situation we try and predict. For example, "They should have sent Yusuf Pathan to open, he's wasted at 5." Now either he'll fire or he'll fail. It's a fifty-fifty chance. Boys know this probability game, but girls don't really care. They want to see the cute players and a few sixes. So if you want to be a living room expert and happen to be prophetic (or plain lucky) then the girls will be suitably impressed with your 'knowledge' of the game. The other lads? Well who wants to impress the lads anyway? If you do, then maybe you ought to be at the book reading.

Dress in full decorum

In England, during the football world cup, most bars and pubs prohibit you from entering if you're wearing a team shirt. It can incite violence. I suggest you abolish that rule at home. Team shirts are fun, they're a commitment, so you don't have fence sitters and camp switchers as the game goes on. And since its highly unlikely that you'll start beating your friends or throwing the furniture at them, it's also a safe value add.

Volume on high

It has be high. If you have a good sound system then keep it on stadium or concert mode. Non-game conversation is allowed, but only in between overs. If it spills over, then a margin of one delivery is allowed. Anything beyond that will earn the offender a penalty -- no talking and no beer for three overs.

Temperature on super cool

Since its oppresively hot all over the country you have to have the airconditioning on. That way it's comfortable, and it also allows you to laugh at all those people in the VIP boxes who're sweating and craning their necks to catch a replay. Ha ha.

Timing is everything

This is not a cocktail party folks, you can't show up eight overs into a 20 over game. The time for convening should be 30 minutes before the start time. That way you can settle down, be comfortable, discuss a wager or two and catch Extraaa Innings for a few minutes to admire my tie or Mr Sidhu's turbans.

Most importantly though, don't be rigid. These suggestions are an indicator of cricket party etiquette, not gospel. It's a party. Not a book reading.