Mahesh Nair: My moral dilemma with the C word

At first I tried to dismiss it cynically. Then I tried to wish it away. Finally I turned my head, looked at it straight in the eye and made a decision.

I was not going to join the fight against corruption. I was not going to sign the petition supporting social activist Anna Hazare and his anti-corruption campaign making headline news. I was not going to light a candle at Mumbai’s Gateway of India and empathise with unknown friends fighting to make India less corrupt.

Why?

Not because I do not appreciate what Anna Hazare stands for. I think it’s a wonderful thing to inspire people to stand up against corruption. A fast unto death dharna is a fabulous non-violent method  to get a thick-skinned government to see your point of view. Gandhi did it very effectively. These days Anna is Gandhian tweet.

I did not join the fight against corruption because I am corrupt.  I do not have the moral courage to pick up the stone and be the 36,589^th person to throw it at the wretched C word.

When I look back I have been corrupt all my life.

The earliest memory of it is from when I was three years old. I offered the ice cream man a flower from my home garden in return for a lick of vanilla. I got slapped by my dad when he came to know of it.

If you are a neo human rights activist wondering whether I should have reported my dad for physical abuse, you can get off this page right now. I love him dearly. He slapped me because he did not want me to be a susceptible victim to a stranger's bribe.

Before peeking into my guilt diaries let us agree on the definition of the C word.

What I do in my personal life -- swiping a piece of fish from my brother's plate when he is not looking during dinner time, or telling my wife that I paid for the movie ticket three months ago when she doesn’t clearly remember -- this is not the corruption that you, me and Anna Hazare are talking about.

Generally, corruption should involve an office, organization or official who deals with a large group of people. Right?

So when I fudge my autorickhaw trips in Mumbai and pass it off as taxi trips to collect my conveyance dues from my office I am corrupt.

When I pay my builder in cash (withdrawing money from my savings account), I have converted the white money into black and have added to the flourishing black money market.

When I save money to pay donation fees to get my child admitted in play school, how am I equipped to raise slogans saying “Down with corruption?” Shouldn’t I first say, "To hell with donation fees and getting my child admitted to a school which doesn’t ask for covert bribes?"

My chartered accountant tells me that if I want to reduce my income tax liability I have to show more expenses. So what do I do? I pay wages to drivers, an assistant etcetera. The fact is I drive my own car.

Yup, sure, the government is corrupt.

During the holiday season when my in-laws find it tough to get a reservation for their train journey I usually turn to my brother to use his contacts to get a VIP quota seat. Even though there is no direct money being paid for the VIP seats I know that there is a hidden cost -- some day favors will have to be granted in lieu of this.

These are just some instances I can think of right away. If I were to dig deeper I would find many more instances when I have been corrupt,  and aided or benefitted from corruption.

So how do I fight a corrupt government when I have specks of mud all over my face? How do I fight my guilt when I sign that online petition for a corrupt free India?

If you can solve my immoral dilemma, I promise to hold a candle for your cause.