How (not) to write about Vietnam

Travel bloggers, backpackers and travel hacks take note: I've read more travel articles about Vietnam than visiting travel writers have used the word “bustling” to describe its cities. If you follow this quick guide you too can pen stories about this “emerald green dreamscape.”

It’s Saigon stupid!

Nomenclature is important. Though officially known as Ho Chi Minh City since 1975 it’s very important to mention that residents do still call it Saigon. Even your boarding pass code will read SGN, not HCMC. 

Now, the traffic. Of course you should mention it. But you must first brave it. Then comment. Gushing aquatic metaphors are standard procedure. Pick one. The 90 percent motorbike traffic is like a) “a swirling sea” b) “a school of brightly honking fish” or c) “will part for you like the Red Sea did for Moses.”

It should be noted the cars will not part or even think much about getting out of your way because they are bigger and richer. It’s like a bad Orwellian joke: Two wheels good, four wheels bad. If you’ve made it sound safe, but exciting and picturesque, don’t mention the 12,000 per year road death toll.

An exquisite people

For some reason, a patronizing, condescending tone just seems to permeate Western writing about the Vietnamese. It's not enough they are people. No. One travel hack English bloke called the Vietnamese “an exquisite people.” Do that. Set them apart, maybe above. Think and write about them as if they are different. Better, in fact, because they are poor. But happy. So industrious.

'Nam man, 'Nam

This is the most important part of your story: The War. This scarcely needs saying but there are two wars going on here, the Vietnam War and the one from the movies: America's 'Nam. 

Try to see lingering effects everywhere. We don’t mean the children born 30 years after peace accords were signed (America's 'Nam), but those who are horribly malformed thanks to the effects of chemical defoliant Agent Orange (the Vietnam War). They’re generally packed into orphanages far away from the five-star hotels or anywhere near where Graham Greene might have got drunk. Cultured hacks like to chuck in a reference about “his” Saigon. Try that too. 

Always see the bomb behind every begger, disabled or otherwise (the Vietnam War). Self-referential navel-gazing about whether the locals hate you because you're American is de rigeur (America's 'Nam). Even if you‘re Irish they probably think you’re American, so feel bad. If you lean to the more conservative side of America's political spectrum, always argue the U.S. won the war because nowadays you can buy things. Like mass-produced fake Zippos with an GI poem engraving spelled incorrectly.  

Colonial oppressors

Any reference of the French would be incomplete without mention of the defeat at Dien Bien Phu, but it’s far better to wax ecstatic about the things the colonial oppressors left behind, like the crusty baguette. You may completely ignore the annexing of Cambodia by Vietnam during Pol Pot’s regime and the Chinese invasion of northern Vietnam that occurred as a reprisal from Beijing in 1979. 

If you decide they don’t hate you, still keep to the American focus on this “formerly war-torn” nation. You may not print an article about Vietnam without these words: "formerly war-torn."

Literary and cinematic allusions  -- from the movie "Apocalypse Now" or Micheal Herr's "Dispatches" --  can spice up your descriptions of the jungle surrounding your five-star resort as can firing guns at the Cu Chi Tunnels (but lambast backpackers who don’t undertake the same thing with your sensitivity).

The four C’s

These being colonialism, communism, capitalism and Confucianism and how they -- C number five -- coexist.

Capitalism! Yes, they have that here now so use the word “booming” and try not to look too surprised. In fact to show you’re up to date about the “formerly war-torn communist country” (you can use this one a bit) you can be totally laissez faire (ha, ha) about the whole thing as long as you seriously question where Vietnam may be headed and act a bit shocked if you see a KFC.

Or don’t. Communism and the Colonel can coexist at last. Because America really, finally won the war.

The “real” Vietnam

If you manage to get anywhere less developed than seaside resort Nha Trang do label it the “real” Vietnam. More than three-quarters of the population is still rural and Vietnam's economy is fired as much by agriculture as industry. But of course it's the people we mean (see above). People in rice paddies, sitting on buffalos, with some naked kids around. People who are smiling. At you. A lot. Unless they’re scowling. Because of the war.

Double points for ethnic minorities as long as they’re traditionally dressed; no one’s interested in a Red Dao person in knock-off Nike from over the nearby Chinese border, even if it is much cheaper and easier for them than producing the traditional attire.

Tourist touts

You are no mere backpacking blog hack who throws around misspelled fury at the tourist touts. But you may still get ripped off then write about it; you can even be a little incensed. Mind, just a little, and then follow it with something wonderful like the joyously laughing children of poor fishermen.

Make sure to marvel

Lastly, you must marvel -- a lot -- about Vietnam's natural beauty, but wonder wistfully about the perils of tourism/capitalism/Westernization. Pick one, or several. Even pick your own issue, but stay concerned.

And always remember: “war-torn.”