Stranded by volcanic ash? 10 ways to kill airport time

Volcanic ash -- the new best excuse to avoid going to work, handing in some homework, finishing that presentation or skipping the gym.

But if you are really stuck under the cloud of ash from the volcanic eruption from Iceland last week, here are 10 ways to make the most of your time in the airport: 

1. Learn how to speak Icelandic

Have you noticed how, on English language telly anyway, the perpetrator is always ”that volcano in Iceland”? Along with making travelers' lives a misery, this volcanic monster is proving problematic for many a newscaster's speech skills (though Scrabble players the world over are whooping for joy). The pronunciation of Eyjafjallajokull is almost as impossible as a flight out of Heathrow at the moment, but NPR put this together to assist you.

2. Clean up the inbox

Business travelers are given a rare chance to actually be productive on a business trip and sort out the mess that masquerades as your inbox. Unattributed research shows that every good businessperson has an inbox and email filing system as cluttered as a Hong Kong night market.

Discover and delete all those inappropriate emails to foxy colleagues and sort your life out. 

3. Log every emotion and thought on Facebook

Because what we all really need are more people detailing how they feel right now, what they are doing and beating us down by how many exclamation marks they are putting on the end of it all. Better is another iReport from someone telling us how they are stuck in an airport and can’t get a flight.

4. Play ‘Spot that nationality’

Put your tourist stereotypes to the test. Clues: Guy with a pullover draped around his shoulders -- Italian. Group of people in flipflops and beer-labeled t-shirts -- Australians. Person that you can hear but not see (because they are in the next terminal but for some reason their voice carries through) -- American, or mainland Chinese. Bad sock/sandal combo -- German (or any old age pensioner). Girl with more cutesy stuff on her than a kid’s toy store -- Japanese or Korean. Guy looking totally bored and wishing something would happen -- any airport security official.

5. Watch CNN

Each hour is a new hour that brings with it new hope that the ash has lifted, but who will deliver the news? Stevens, Becky, LuStout? It's a lottery. Focus on that or the chance to play the ‘What color suspender straps will Larry King have on today?’ game. Or wonder what the Volcanic Ash Advisory Center gets up to on clear, eruption-free days.

6. Invent a new sport

Get some inspiration out of the Capitals and Flyers who, in this ad, are snowed or iced in somewhere, and make that airport stay a bit healthier. There are boundless possibilities. Just remember to not get too sweaty as by now the airport is already smelling like old bacon.

7. Discover new vodka flavors

We all know that duty free stores never have any of the stuff you actually want (affordable liquor and cold beer), nor are they actually good value (see parenthesis about affordable liquor) but they do have too many flavors, sorry, infusions, of vodka. No doubt most of which you have not tried, nor are likely to. Ever. Shock the store assistants and get a bottle of Absolut Berri Acai. Surely with acai we are scraping the bottom of the proverbial barrel, no? Does anyone know what Acai is? Even Google seemed a little unsure. 

8. Watch these movie reviews

See someone completely take it to "Star Wars Phantom Menace", "Attack of the Clones" and also "Avatar". But mixed with it some really clever analysis that makes these reviews substantially more rewarding than the actual films. Fresh from the seven-part series on "Phantom Menace", RedLetterMedia has published his nine-part opus on "Attack of the Clones". Starts with “Attack of the clones is the worst thing ever made by a human. Except for the bagpipes." Priceless. It just gets better from there.

His "Avatar" review is also solid gold. Though you might be competing for bandwidth with the other 170,000 stranded passengers, these clips are well worth the wait and effort.

9. Read something other than a lad’s mag or a stinky fashion mag

The entire world is loving the Millenium crime series (first one: "The girl with the dragon tattoo") by late Swedish author, Stieg Larsson. Over 20 million have been sold. Crime thrillers with their own blend of difficult to pronounce words, these books aren’t just enthralling reads, they are tomes. Each of the three gets thicker and heavier -- the most recent hitting the scales at 700 pages plus. That should keep you through till the end of the week. Worst case, if the airport runs out of power, there is enough carbon in these works to power the coal furnace for weeks on end.

10. Get the courage to talk to that hot woman next to you

What better time to work on your mating rituals? With this many people in one place, someone is bound to fall for your charms. The odds dictate it. "So, where did you two meet?" asks your little daughter one day. “Under the Eyjafjallajokull ash,” you will reply. Because by then you will have worked out how to pronounce the damn thing.