Getting up at 4am to fly to Ireland and visit a Guinness factory. Because remembering vacations is lame, that's why. —@katefeetie

Woman across from me at the airport is breastfeeding. To show support, I took my shirt off and made strong eye contact. —@patrickborelli

Thanks TSA, I haven't been touched like that since prom night. —@meaghano

During boarding, American is playing videos of salmon swimming upstream to spawn and die. This is not the travel metaphor I hoped for. —@nick

Now boarding Delta's 8:55 Shrieking Infant Express with continuing service to Anger, Resentment & Do-It-Yourself Hysterectomies. —@gordonshumway

TSA guy is singing 12 Days of Christmas, unaware that passengers, most of whom have been up since 5am, want to pelt him with our 3oz bottles —@hollyburns

Will someone buy me the backyard Bigfoot Yeti sculpture from the Skymall? —@rainnwilson

Dear 6B, I'll stop fantasizing about petting your furry chubaka boots if you stop throwing all your mag subscription tear outs on the floor —@heather_poole (a real-life flight attendant!)

Guy next to me on the plane woke up and is wiping the drool off his shirt. Now may be a good time to tell him I drooled all over his shirt. —@rafitorres

Overheard on Greyhound, mother to crying toddler: “Why are you crying? You want your Nintendo? You want some fries?” Double sigh. —@evaholland

Baggage carousel sounds a lot more fun than it really is —@ingridmusic

A komodo dragon just ate my passport —@diplo

Travel tip: When your hotel provides guests with complimentary ear plugs, as mine does in Warsaw, it is NOT a good sign. @EWeiner

I'm playing musical beds in this hostel. Not in the slutty way -- in the annoying way where they keep double booking beds and moving me. —@nicoleisbetter

Whenever I stay in a crap hotel, I like to put lube in my hair & fan $1 bills on the dresser so the cleaning lady feels good about her job. —@BoobsRadley

2 Canadians arguing over found quarter. Is this yours? No, finders keepers. No, you take. You sure? This is going to be a pleasant trip. —@mikebarish

Travel Tip #322: Getting stoned in the Middle East is a lot different than getting stoned in Amsterdam. —@bobbyhundreds

London: "Be careful! The cars come from the other way!" I just want to say, "People. I've come from Italy. The cars come from EVERYWHERE." —@jamievaron

Being incarcerated at Alcatraz must have been an absolute nightmare. I keep losing my 3G signal. —@sween

I'M ON A GOAT. —@DieLaughing

English translation of animal crackers at a Hong Kong supermarket: “Biscuit-shaped animals.” Something got lost in translation. —@dianakuan

Another hard-won travel tip: If you are wearing black pants, do not, repeat, do not let a donkey rub its itchy forehead on your thigh. —@susanorlean

Woke up in Walla Walla. Not sure how that happened. Must think. Must think. —@TomBodett

Driving in a radio-only rental car reveals an ineplixable and embarrassing knowledge of Celine Dion songs. —@CcSteff

I'm two time zones away from home, which means I'm petrified of turning on the TV and accidentally seeing Leno. —@badbanana