7 worst expat movies of all time
There are some great films about expats, but given the turkey-to-classic ratio, it’s something of a mystery how most get made.
The main problem is the fallacy that expats are out there diving headfirst into strange cultures, new languages and beautiful friendships.
Mostly they sit around watching pirated DVDs (of lousy expat films probably) moaning about whatever country has the misfortune to host them.
To guide you through these expat-rated horrors, we’ve endured a hardship posting in front of a foreign television, watching the all-time worst of cinema’s overseas adventures with only a box of crappy local popcorn for comfort.
7. 'Mamma Mia!' (2008)
A young expat tries to find the true identity of her father on the eve of her Greek Island wedding -- a plot that could easily be tragedy, drama or farce.
Add Pierce Brosnan croaking through an ABBA soundtrack, however, and it becomes horror.
Swedish pop songs are shoehorned in at every opportunity. Donna (Meryl Streep) is short of cash, we hear "Money, Money, Money." Donna recalls her pop star past: "Dancing Queen."
The whole mess could've been avoided with a simple paternity test or by including the ABBA song, "Wedding Party Wiped Out by Salmonella Outbreak," if only Bjorn and Benny had gotten around to writing it.
Excruciating expat dialogue
Sophie [reading Donna’s diary]: "We danced on the beach, kissed on the beach and dot, dot, dot."
6. 'The Beach' (2000)
With its gorgeous Thai scenery and rumbling undercurrents of violence, jealousy and death, "The Beach” aims to deliver a serious message about the illusory nature of paradise, but doesn't.
It's hard to say which is less credible, a bunch of backpacking muppets building a community on a hidden beach without an internet cafe or Leonardo DiCaprio (as Richard) joining them and failing to get the French girl.
Excruciating expat dialogue
Richard: "I just feel like everyone tries to do something different, but you always wind up doing the same damn thing."
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5. 'Under the Tuscan Sun' (2003)
Unlucky-in-love American writer Diane Lane (Frances) happens upon the only villa in Tuscany that isn’t being rented out by middle class vacationers from London and buys it on a whim.
In restoring the villa, she restores her own ... blah, blah, blah, whatever.
So what's the message here? Don't worry if your marriage collapses, just buy a house in Italy, spend a bundle renovating it, then someone else will come along. There's a life lesson we can all relate to.
Excruciating expat dialogue
Frances: "I'll hire the muscular descendants of Roman gods to do the heavy lifting."
4. 'Eat Pray Love' (2010)
Unlucky-in-love American writer Julia Roberts ... no, stick with us, this one's slightly different.
Granted, Roberts as Liz Gilbert goes to Italy, but there’s no villa, just the start of a year swanning around the world with no apparent worries about cash.
In Italy, Roberts' character learns to eat Italian food (without gaining weight). She then moves to India to explore spirituality before travelling to Bali for love.
Not love with some vacationing sleazeball. Love with Javier Bardem. Like that happens in real life.
Excruciating expat dialogue
Liz: "It won't last forever. Nothing does." (Except this film -- 140 minutes long!)
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