20 funniest travel quotes you've never heard

It's not her fault. She was homeschooled. On a bus.

"Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane." -- Jim Gaffigan, comedian 

2. Fame

“The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.” -- Britney Spears, American pop star

"If I hear someone quote 'Somebody gonna get hurt real bad' one more time ..."

3. American tourists

"There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home." -- Stephen Colbert, talk show host

4. Indians and terrorists

"It's hard man 'cause the security in the airport, customs, immigration, they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist and an Indian.

"Terrorists hate Americans. Indians hate each other. A terrorist will blow up an airport. Indians like to work at the airport. That would be counter-productive." -- Russell Peters, comedian 

"Ha, I'm handsome and funny!"

5. Flight delays

“People say there’s delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there.

"Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you’re home." -- Louis C.K., comedian 

6. Pre-boarding

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?” -- George Carlin, comedian 

Wanda tells it like it is.

7. Airport security

“Never get behind old people. Their bodies are littered with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate how little time they have left.

"Bingo, Asians. They pack light, travel efficiently, and they have a thing for slip-on shoes. Gotta love 'em.” -- Ryan Bingham (played by George Clooney), from the movie "Up in the Air"

8. Fear

“My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.” -- Dennis Miller, talk show host

9. Africa

Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.'

"They're like, 'Where'd you go -- Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'" -- Wanda Sykes, comedian 

10. Passport photos

“Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.” -- Al Gore, environmental activist

11. Long-haul flights

“You want to know what its like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.” -- Lewis Black, comedian