Bangkok karaoke dive bar survival guide

Beyond the downtown fringe, Bangkok karaoke bars are everywhere: day-glo shop houses, strung with technicolor Christmas lights, radiating bass lines that quake hard enough to loosen your fillings. From the sidewalk.

Subtle as a UFO landing -- but probably much louder -- these are the city's upcountry-style karaoke joints. The tunes, the grub and the mascara-caked waitresses are designed to comfort homesick Isaarn-born Thais who migrate here by the millions to form the backbone of Bangkok’s labor force.

For outsiders, it’s best to study Issarn karaoke bar protocal before diving in. If you can stand a little awkwardness and a lot of noise, you’ll finally discover where your neighborhood motorbike guy and pork-on-a-stick vendor probably head for beers after work.

Most of Asia prefers the “karaoke box” setup, in which customers pile into a fully-serviced private room and sing amongst themselves. Isaarn karaoke joints are more akin to the American, public-humiliation style of karaoke.
A plush box containing two wireless mics is passed around the room and, when it’s your turn, you croon before a dark bar full of strangers. The laminated song list will be almost entirely devoted to “luk thung,” or Isaarn country music.

But fear not: Your waitress will gladly sing in your stead. And even if you do decide to mangle a luk thung classic, you’re still in mannerly Thailand. No one will yell out that you suck (even if you do).

Yes, there’s often a sleazy side to these places. You may have noticed that the waitresses appear to have applied their rouge with a mop. You may also wonder why one of them is sitting next to you and cheerfully filling your beer glass after every sip.

Think of this place as an Isaarn version of Hooters, only with better chicken wings. They’re watering holes employing waitresses to wear way too much eye shadow and make nice with customers, who are far flung from their upcountry homes.

Sure, some venues have a raunchier agenda than others. But most spots are like bible school compared to the red-light districts through which vacationing British grandmothers stroll for a giggle. Actually, they’re tamer than most American nightclubs at closing time.

If you’re foreign and male, an Issarn karaoke bar can offer an elusive experience –- the thrill of having straight men lavish you with drinks. Conditions: you’ll need to speak at least a little Thai and, better yet, squeak out at least one Thai song.

If there’s a table of guys next to you, wait for that outstretched glass of whiskey or beer. That’s the international sign for “cheers!” and it’s your cue to ditch the singing waitress, head over and hang out.

For one night, you’ll know what it must feel like to be the prettiest girl in the bar. Just remember, if you’re reading this on your laptop, you probably fall into a higher pay grade than your new taxi-driving friends. So chip in on that second bottle of Sangsom.

Showing up hungry to a bar is generally poor advice. But most bars don’t serve Issarn drinking food, a selection of things fried, salty and spicy enough to melt the membranes off your lips.

Ask your waitress -- or new friends –- for suggestions. You’ll soon be enjoying roasted nuts, fatty ribbons of pork and, if you’re lucky, the rarer treat of salty red ant eggs, which pop like roe between your teeth.

Issarn karaoke joints are truly ubiquitous throughout the city. If the façade is Crayola bright, the door wreathed in twinkling lights and the logo includes a buffalo skull, you’re in the right place.

If you still can’t find one, head to Sukhumvit Soi 71, a taxi thoroughfare with a high concentration of Issarn-style Bangkok karaoke bars.