Thai men -- available but unavailable?

It all started off at a bar in one of Bangkok’s suave wine and dine districts. He was a regular face, as was I, and over the course of half a year we exchanged smiles which eventually led to hellos.

For the first few months, I turned a blind eye to the dark reality that overshadowed our relationship. He reassured me, stressing that he and his wife were living in the same family compound, but in different houses because they didn’t get on anymore but wanted to maintain as much environmental stability as possible for their grown up children (welcome to Thailand). As ridiculous as it sounded, I didn’t mind because I always held the faint hope that if we worked out, then that arrangement would change.

We are both relatively high profile, or to put it discretely, we know a lot of people. In the herd of Bangkok’s socialites we all have ‘mutual acquaintances,’ which I say now with utter shame that include his kids' friends, who are also my friends (I know, what was I thinking? But I really did not know until after we started dating). Therefore, our time together mostly involved deciding where to eat so that no one would spot us, which usually led to sitting in the car for long periods of time, circling restaurant entrances to make sure there were no familiar cars parked outside. 

After a while, this got tiring. For a man who had 'obligations' he gave me a lot of time, which to any human being would have been akin to screaming "I’m so into you," or "I’m trying my best to make this work." But no… nothing seemed to be changing and he was living life day to day as if I was just the icing but not the cake.

'I knew this couldn't go on anymore'

About a year into our confusingly happy relationship, I tried breaking up with him. He said: “My wife and I… we’re divorced.”

With feelings of anger, anxiety, bewilderment and happiness, I asked him how long they had been divorced for. His reply was, “around six years.” So why did he not tell me sooner? Why did he lead me into such despair over the course of our relationship?

“We divorced because of legal matters. You’re the first girl I’ve ever told. I trust you, because you’re not full Thai and will probably be able to look at the situation objectively. If I had told the Thai girls I dated in the past… I would have been screwed. They would have become… what’s the word, too attached.”

He told me in such a compassionately calming way I was sympathetic and it only made me love him more. Now that the truth had been revealed, I thought,  our lifestyle could change too.

But with time, more excuses came. He did not want his children or society to find out because it wasn’t the ‘right time’ for him. He had too many financial burdens to deal with and couldn’t afford to have another ‘problem.'

An alcohol-fuelled ending

One night, I was at a party. We had spoken on the phone, had an argument and he had childishly hung the phone up on me. In my drunken state, I knew this couldn’t go on anymore. So I left the party and went straight to his house, unafraid of all obstacles, only to be greeted by his 20-year-old son coming home from a night out…

“Are you here to see my brother?”

Nope.

“Me?”

Nope.

“Eer… you here to see my Dad?”

Silence.

“You’re here to see my Dad??? What’s someone like you doing having an affair with my Dad?”

(Crying at this point) “I don’t know either… I just love him.”

Sunday morning, I got a phone call from dad, without any hint of concern or compassion.  All he could say was, “How dare you come to my house? Now any hope of us having a future together has been ruined. I guess we shouldn’t speak anymore.” (Not that he ever had any intention of that happening anyways.)

In turn I asked why, if he never had the intention of making our relationship or any other one in the past work, get involved? Why put himself out there for such young vulnerable women? Why were there even exchanges of ‘I love you'?

“I never intended to have an affair. But what am I suppose to do when a girl gives me the eye. Ignore it? I’m only human.”

“Geez darling, I’ve had men tell me in bars and clubs that they’re engaged, unavailable or married, why don’t you do that?” 

“But that’s not me. That’s them.”

It really comes as no surprise why Thailand has such a high rate of adultery. With such egoistic creatures walking around, it’s easy to fall into their charm trap. And watch out… the newer generations have GPS on their BlackBerries (often conveniently forgotten at home). The game just keeps getting bigger and better.