Karla Cripps: 6 reasons Bangkok's ladyboys annoy me
Without getting into a sociological exploration of 'katoeys' and Thai society, the gist of the situation is that though they do face stigmatization from some corners of society, ladyboys are generally accepted by the public. Many have become huge TV celebrities.
That’s not why they bug me. In fact, I admire ladyboys' tenacity and unwillingness to conform.
My issues with ladyboys -- and yes, I'm going to generalize -- extend into the realm of jealousy with a side order of self-loathing and fear.
Here are six reasons I get uneasy every time a hot-looking ladyboy crosses my path.
1. They’re cellulite free
Unlike men, I don’t have to worry about whether I’ve had too much to drink and might end up going home with some extra baggage. (Yes, I'm being literal.) But it’s a scenario that thousands of clueless tourists have found themselves in, adding much to the legendary mystique of the ladyboy.
But that unwanted surprise doesn't have to happen if you look for the signs. We all know the obvious tactics, like trying to look for an Adam’s apple -- though some ladyboys have surgery to get these reduced -- large feet or the classic “man’s hands.”
An even better way to spot a ladyboy is to look at her legs. If they’re flawless and perfectly toned, chances are you’ve got a transsexual on your hands -- few real women can compete with those gams.
That same theory can be applied to behinds. The rear of a beautiful ladyboy is super perky and firm, the envy of Bangkok women like myself who would have to spend eight hours a day doing squats to get an ass like that.
(For a look at some of the world' most beautiful ladyboys, check out this gallery from the recent Miss International Queen beauty pageant.)
2. They take up valuable space in the lady’s room
Bangkok’s nightclubs get packed. And so do the toilets.
On a Friday night it can take a good hour to get to and from the toilet. For us ladies with weak bladders, that can take all the fun out of trying to knock back as many vodka and Red Bulls as humanly possible before last call.
Compounding the problem, Bangkok’s katoeys stick to their principles and wait in line with the rest of us for the toilets rather than head for the men’s room, thereby making my wait even longer.
3. Hell hath no fury like a ladyboy scorned
Ladyboys have this incredible swagger, a confident “don’t mess with me” attitude. They stare you down if you get in their path, firing off icy glares that send chills up the spine.
What frustrates me is that I can’t sneer back, let alone ask, “What the hell are you looking at?”
Though ladyboys might be prettier than me, I can never forget that they're also fully capable of kicking my ass.
Admittedly and thankfully I haven’t experienced the full strength and fury of a katoey first hand. But one of my girlfriends has.
Before leaving a nightclub she had a minor altercation with a ladyboy involving a mutual friend.
Angry words flew through the air. My friend got into a taxi, not knowing that the enraged katoey had followed her.
After giving the ladyboy a final snide comment from inside the car, the katoey reached through the open window and punched my friend square in the face. And it really, really hurt.
Ladies can't fight a ladyboy. Unless they fancy a bloody nose. Their own.
4. They don’t get periods
One place you won’t see a ladyboy is in the tampon aisle. That’s because they don’t have to suffer through the cramps, bloating, headaches and general bitchiness that comes with getting periods once a month.
Yet they get to enjoy many of the other perks of womanhood. Admiring glances from men, high fashion, shoe shopping, spa treatments and the "ladies only" parking spots at the mall. All this, without the PMS. Unfair.
5. They listen to terrible music
Bangkok’s katoeys ensure Gloria Gaynor will always have a place on your average DJ’s playlist.
If you’ve ever been in a bar with ladyboys when “I Will Survive” comes on, quickly move away from the dance floor or be prepared to be trampled to death by an army wearing 10-inch stilettos. This warning applies to Cher, Mariah Carey, Lady Gaga and Beyonce songs, as well.
On the flip side, I concede that ladyboys do know how to bust a move like nobody’s business. Watching a ladyboy dance off is an incredibly entertaining experience -- so long as I don’t get stuck dancing next to one.
I can’t compete with those moves any more than I can compete with their asses or their fists of fury.
6. They hit on my husband in front of me
There’s simply no "girl code" with some ladyboys, who will blantantly try to pick up your man if they find him attractive, all the while staring you down with icy glares. Don’t bother acting territorial. (See reason number 3.)
I have experienced this first hand while out with my husband.
One night we were out for a friend's birthday dinner. I was six months pregnant and feeling particularly frumpy, my feet swollen to the size of a grizzly bear's paws.
A few hours into the night a ladyboy sauntered over, sparked a conversation with my husband and looked me up and down before purring, “You’re marrieeeed? Oh, we won’t let a tiny detail like that get in the way of having some fun tonight."
I recommend smiling good-naturedly and finding something else to do. Leave your mate to fend for himself. If he doesn’t come back to you, it was never meant to be.
Wish them the best and move on with your life.
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