Like a hole in the head: The fundamental incomprehensibility of Thai politics

The nice people at the Bangkok Post have provided a "Dummy’s Guide" to the poll, which is lovely as far as the rules and mechanisms goes, and even suggests the potential make-up of any government coalitions once the votes have been totted up. 

But this doesn’t offer the interested observer any idea on what makes the politicians tick, or how people decide how to vote.

Part of the problem is that few of the parties are distinguished by any discernible political ideology, beyond fervent proclamations of patriotism and a general desire to make everyone a bit wealthier.

Instead, we have to manage with the garish semiotics of political posters.  Just look at the posters. Look!

Chuwit Kamolvisit (of the Rak Prathet Thai Party, as if anyone cares) is smiling with a dog. But now he’s frowning with a small girl.

Does he prefer animals to children? And does that include the various animals on the For Heaven and Earth "no vote" posters? Or the panda being cuddled by Chart Pattana’s Sophon Pandin? 

It’s easier when we come to the more straightforward head shots of the two main contenders, Abhisit Vejjajiva and Yingluck Shinawatra.

That is, of course, in the hour of so before the faces have been hacked out of the posters, allowing passers-by to poke their heads through the resulting holes and be prime minister for a few seconds.

How’s that for direct democracy? Makes a change from the devil’s horns and Hitler moustaches.

Oh no, we’ve got them as well. Of course, one could just bypass the placards, and ask ordinary Thais how they’re voting and why.

The problem is that many seem unable or unwilling to articulate their thought processes. I asked one dedicated Democrat why she disliked Thaksin Shinawatra so much, and she told me that there was a reason, but it was so utterly horrifying that she couldn’t bring herself to say it.

In the eyes of loyalists, Abhisit isn’t just taking on Yingluck’s big brother: he’s plucky Harry Potter, in a duel to the death with Voldemort. 

And on the subject of Things That We’re Not Supposed To Talk About, there’s no evidence that the level of vote buying in the coming poll will be any lower than it has been in previous years.

If the average elector seems a little unsophisticated in her grasp of political theory, she gets an A+ in practical economics, offering undying support to any candidate who waves a high-denomination note in front of her.

The problem is, by the time she’s pledged allegiance to six candidates, she’s forgotten who she’s really going to support, so when the opinion pollster asks, her response needs to be taken with a drop of nam pla. 

Returning to animals: in some ways the Thai version of the democratic process is like the story of the blind men asked to describe an elephant.

If you recall, each of them touched a different part of the beast –- the trunk, the tail, the ear –- and declared that that was what the whole beast was like.

Except, in this instance, not only are all the blind men mistaken, when you ask them their opinion, none of them will tell the truth.

It’s a perfect storm of misinformation, as nobody -- voters, candidates, pollsters, journalists, academics –- actually knows what the hell is going on.

The only thing we know for sure is that the Army is not, repeat NOT, going to stage another coup, and we know that because they said so. 

If I were you, I’d vote for the panda.